Why I'm Not Fasting

this year's a weird one.

I’m not a religious person and I never have been. As a young Jewish child, my rabbi encouraged me to question everything, including the existence of god. So I did, and here we are. Judaism, for me, has always been more about tradition and culture than spirituality and religion.

I attended Hebrew school from 2nd through 7th grades, and Sunday School even longer. I learned to read and write a language I can’t speak or comprehend, and was adamantly opposed to the prospect of enduring confirmation (truthfully, I still have no clue what that even is).

My brother and I are 14 months apart, so we wound up being B’nai Mitzvahed¹. Because he had waited a year, and our synagogue wouldn’t allow me to be Bat Mitzvahed at 12 (which is typically allowable for young female Jews), we managed to reserve my 13th birthday as the special day. Am I still a little bitter that my brother received more presents than I did on my birthday? Yes. Because I’m petty and immature.

For some reason, my bangs were cut between my ceremony in the morning and the party at night, and this was the result. Happy birthday to me?

Like many, after being Bat Mitzvahed, I stepped away from the required religious affiliations and declared myself to be Jew-ish. So, it’s safe to say that I’ve been making choices about my own Jewish engagement for most of my life, and that engagement is a constant evolution.

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The High Holy Days

I’ve always found Rosh Hashana to be one of the more enjoyable holidays, because I love honey, and apples, and eating both together. I’m also a fan of most excuses to reflect and restart, so the prospect of a fresh new year that begins every fall is particularly enticing.

Yom Kippur, however, is not really for me. I’m all for reflection and acknowledging any “sins” I may have committed in any given year, but fasting for a full 24 hours typically results in more sins being committed (by way of hanger-induced attitude, which only enhances my already reactive demeanor). Nevertheless, I do wind up fasting most years, but this is not one of those years because I have to run 20 miles in the morning and because I have some bones to pick with the rules associated with these holidays.

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I learned something this past week

When a Jewish person dies during Aseret Y'mei T'shuvah (the ten days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur), it can cause all sorts of frenetic scrambling. Shiva is typically a seven day mourning period that begins after burial, but shiva has to end before Yom Kippur (which, like all Jewish holidays, begins at sundown). Unsurprisingly, rabbis also tend to be pretty busy during this time of year, and there are some laws governing the timeline of Jewish burials (typically within 24 hours of death).

My grandmother had been hospitalized for the past few weeks (I was able to fly out to see her a few weeks ago), and wound up passing this past Tuesday afternoon. I’ve dealt with a lot of grief this year, and I’m not prepared to get into any of that right now, but I mention her passing because this was all happening during Aseret Y'mei T'shuvah. I was in the DC area on important industry business² this past week, and she expressed great pride in my involvement. But: the timeline of events meant that the funeral needed to happen yesterday, so shiva could culminate by sundown this evening. I guess I mention this because it’s officially Yom Kippur, and it feels pretty wrong that I wasn’t able to be at her funeral or shiva.

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Atonement and Repentance

I’m sure I’ve committed many sins this year, some of which I should probably ask forgiveness for. But honestly? I know I’ve spent this entire year operating with as much integrity, empathy, and compassion as I could muster. For myself, for my father, for my friends and colleagues, and for my students. I’ve made mistakes and stumbled, I’ve dropped a few balls, and I haven’t been my best self for so long that I’m beginning to wonder what my best self even looks like anymore. Nevertheless, I am not planning to fast this year.

Instead, I will atone by running the 20 miles I committed to when I signed up for this silly marathon. I toyed around with the idea of running without music (a fasting of my soul, if you will), but realized that I don’t think I can handle dragging my body 20 miles with only the sound of my own thoughts and labored breathing guiding me.

But: if you’re reading this and I’ve managed to hurt you in some capacity this year, please know that it was never intentional, that I’m aware of my many imperfections (and I’m sure there are even more that I am blissfully unaware of yet), and that I hope to do better moving forward.

For those of you who are fasting, I hope it’s an easy one. Shana Tova!

-J

1. The theme was candy, because we were both sugar fiends and it was probably the only theme we could agree on.

2. I’ve spent the last 10 months on a hiring committee for the new CEO of my industry’s leading professional organization, the Independent Educational Consultants Association. This week was the culmination of the process (hopefully), wherein the hiring committee and the board gathered to meet the finalists for in-person third-round interviews.