What a shame your awe-inspiring strength and ambition had to be forged in such a difficult environment (and maybe because of it). Feel all the feelings and know you have a tribe behind you!
I empathise completely. For adult children choosing to take on the care at some level, of abusive parents is either a decision based on duty, guilt or the essential humanity that somehow, despite the arid ground it was raised in, blossomed. I became a social worker, determined that no child I could help, got help and support. I determined I would do my utmost not to repeat the parenting patterns and destructive behaviours they taught me. At the funeral, for me, the hardest thing was trying to find something 'nice' to say,when in fact, the relief felt when that casket was rolled on the conveyor belt made me want to twirl and sing 'freedom at last!'.
I sure did embrace the freedom and lightness of spirit. Hard to explain to those who had childhoods free from neglect, manipulation or abuse.. but yes, going into the helping professions hopefully helps stop the cycle for some.. as the saying goes.. 'If I can help even one person..'
Pre-emotive grieving was my approach, it turned out too, after the event. My therapist greeted the news of my mother’s death with ‘ding-dong, the witch is dead’. I wrote about the whole deal here (under a pen name -wasn’t feeling so sure about fessing up to this stuff at that point).
Absolutely loved your piece! A few of my close friends (my chosen family) sent me congratulatory texts--they knew, they *got it*. I'm probably screaming into the void, but for those who need to hear it: We don't owe them anything, we didn't choose to be here.
Hi Jess, Beautifully written. Bereavement resulting from the death of a person with whom one has had a difficult relationship or varying degrees of estrangement is strange. I had those situations when each of my parents died. My bereavements were not what I expected. I am glad you are writing and sharing. Your path through bereavement will be your own, it will be like no one else's because all bereavements are different. It will take as long as it takes. Continue writing, because writing out all that comes up will help you process it out, so you can, eventually, move on, instead of getting stuck in the process somewhere. I found the hardest parts to process out were the loss of what a good parent(s) would have been that I deserved, and the emotional neglect/harm these two people visited upon me. Best to you. I will look forward to your next posting!
So real--I finally realized that I had already grieved his loss...when he just wasn't there throughout my life. I was pretty paralyzed in the aftermath and struggled to get any words on paper (here and in my journal), but when I finally did, it was beyond cathartic!
You can catch some of the good stuff on this same topic here:
I so identified with this piece. My father, with whom I had a tortured relationship (me trying to be somewhat healthy and find middle ground in a family dispute while not throwing my sister under the bus, him freaking out over my lack of “loyalty, then a long estrangement), died in 2007. My first thought when I got word was “Well, that’s congruent.” My mostly absent father was finally permanently absent, except in the scars. I share your ambivalence and the unclarity of it all. I salute you for airing it all out!
Thank you! I'm both surprised and unsurprised by how many others have felt this ambivalence, and it's incredibly validating and comforting to know that it's not just me!
Not just me~ is very much how I felt as I was reading. Particularly about how we grieve fathers who can’t see us before they die to such an extent that most of our grieving is done once they go. But the finality that they will not be able to be how they hoped they would lingers.
A hundred things can be true at once. I feel both sad and relieved for you when I read this. And I am happy and glad to know you have people in your corner… I am one of them!
I'm so glad you wrote about this. Such a great way to process! I bet you felt lighter after hitting "submit," too. 😊 Keep writing. I'll keep reading. You are loved and so much more than a "good" daughter. That is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to you!
What a shame your awe-inspiring strength and ambition had to be forged in such a difficult environment (and maybe because of it). Feel all the feelings and know you have a tribe behind you!
I appreciate how this thought challenges traditional views in such a subtle way. https://909.osttopstfreeware.com
I empathise completely. For adult children choosing to take on the care at some level, of abusive parents is either a decision based on duty, guilt or the essential humanity that somehow, despite the arid ground it was raised in, blossomed. I became a social worker, determined that no child I could help, got help and support. I determined I would do my utmost not to repeat the parenting patterns and destructive behaviours they taught me. At the funeral, for me, the hardest thing was trying to find something 'nice' to say,when in fact, the relief felt when that casket was rolled on the conveyor belt made me want to twirl and sing 'freedom at last!'.
I hope you found some time and space to do that dance and celebrate! I became a licensed professional counselor, go figure!
I sure did embrace the freedom and lightness of spirit. Hard to explain to those who had childhoods free from neglect, manipulation or abuse.. but yes, going into the helping professions hopefully helps stop the cycle for some.. as the saying goes.. 'If I can help even one person..'
Pre-emotive grieving was my approach, it turned out too, after the event. My therapist greeted the news of my mother’s death with ‘ding-dong, the witch is dead’. I wrote about the whole deal here (under a pen name -wasn’t feeling so sure about fessing up to this stuff at that point).
https://medium.com/@deaneastgate/how-it-feels-to-not-grieve-your-parents-9c32bc5992a7
Absolutely loved your piece! A few of my close friends (my chosen family) sent me congratulatory texts--they knew, they *got it*. I'm probably screaming into the void, but for those who need to hear it: We don't owe them anything, we didn't choose to be here.
Hi Jess, Beautifully written. Bereavement resulting from the death of a person with whom one has had a difficult relationship or varying degrees of estrangement is strange. I had those situations when each of my parents died. My bereavements were not what I expected. I am glad you are writing and sharing. Your path through bereavement will be your own, it will be like no one else's because all bereavements are different. It will take as long as it takes. Continue writing, because writing out all that comes up will help you process it out, so you can, eventually, move on, instead of getting stuck in the process somewhere. I found the hardest parts to process out were the loss of what a good parent(s) would have been that I deserved, and the emotional neglect/harm these two people visited upon me. Best to you. I will look forward to your next posting!
So real--I finally realized that I had already grieved his loss...when he just wasn't there throughout my life. I was pretty paralyzed in the aftermath and struggled to get any words on paper (here and in my journal), but when I finally did, it was beyond cathartic!
You can catch some of the good stuff on this same topic here:
https://narrativemusings.substack.com/p/kiss-my-ash
https://jesschermak.substack.com/p/discovering-tranquility-within-chaos
I so identified with this piece. My father, with whom I had a tortured relationship (me trying to be somewhat healthy and find middle ground in a family dispute while not throwing my sister under the bus, him freaking out over my lack of “loyalty, then a long estrangement), died in 2007. My first thought when I got word was “Well, that’s congruent.” My mostly absent father was finally permanently absent, except in the scars. I share your ambivalence and the unclarity of it all. I salute you for airing it all out!
Thank you! I'm both surprised and unsurprised by how many others have felt this ambivalence, and it's incredibly validating and comforting to know that it's not just me!
Not just me~ is very much how I felt as I was reading. Particularly about how we grieve fathers who can’t see us before they die to such an extent that most of our grieving is done once they go. But the finality that they will not be able to be how they hoped they would lingers.
Oops I meant to say how WE hoped they would😊
A hundred things can be true at once. I feel both sad and relieved for you when I read this. And I am happy and glad to know you have people in your corner… I am one of them!
I'm so glad you wrote about this. Such a great way to process! I bet you felt lighter after hitting "submit," too. 😊 Keep writing. I'll keep reading. You are loved and so much more than a "good" daughter. That is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to you!
I’m so sorry for your loss of what could have , should have , would have been. So well written.
I love you
What a complicated situation. I’m glad you wrote about this. You are loved. ❤️
Bless you, Jess!
Jesse, I hope you find the peace you deserve. I really enjoyed your writing about a difficult subject but handled beautifully.