What a shame your awe-inspiring strength and ambition had to be forged in such a difficult environment (and maybe because of it). Feel all the feelings and know you have a tribe behind you!
Pre-emotive grieving was my approach, it turned out too, after the event. My therapist greeted the news of my mother’s death with ‘ding-dong, the witch is dead’. I wrote about the whole deal here (under a pen name -wasn’t feeling so sure about fessing up to this stuff at that point).
Absolutely loved your piece! A few of my close friends (my chosen family) sent me congratulatory texts--they knew, they *got it*. I'm probably screaming into the void, but for those who need to hear it: We don't owe them anything, we didn't choose to be here.
Hi Jess, Beautifully written. Bereavement resulting from the death of a person with whom one has had a difficult relationship or varying degrees of estrangement is strange. I had those situations when each of my parents died. My bereavements were not what I expected. I am glad you are writing and sharing. Your path through bereavement will be your own, it will be like no one else's because all bereavements are different. It will take as long as it takes. Continue writing, because writing out all that comes up will help you process it out, so you can, eventually, move on, instead of getting stuck in the process somewhere. I found the hardest parts to process out were the loss of what a good parent(s) would have been that I deserved, and the emotional neglect/harm these two people visited upon me. Best to you. I will look forward to your next posting!
So real--I finally realized that I had already grieved his loss...when he just wasn't there throughout my life. I was pretty paralyzed in the aftermath and struggled to get any words on paper (here and in my journal), but when I finally did, it was beyond cathartic!
You can catch some of the good stuff on this same topic here:
I so identified with this piece. My father, with whom I had a tortured relationship (me trying to be somewhat healthy and find middle ground in a family dispute while not throwing my sister under the bus, him freaking out over my lack of “loyalty, then a long estrangement), died in 2007. My first thought when I got word was “Well, that’s congruent.” My mostly absent father was finally permanently absent, except in the scars. I share your ambivalence and the unclarity of it all. I salute you for airing it all out!
Thank you! I'm both surprised and unsurprised by how many others have felt this ambivalence, and it's incredibly validating and comforting to know that it's not just me!
A hundred things can be true at once. I feel both sad and relieved for you when I read this. And I am happy and glad to know you have people in your corner… I am one of them!
I'm so glad you wrote about this. Such a great way to process! I bet you felt lighter after hitting "submit," too. 😊 Keep writing. I'll keep reading. You are loved and so much more than a "good" daughter. That is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to you!
What a shame your awe-inspiring strength and ambition had to be forged in such a difficult environment (and maybe because of it). Feel all the feelings and know you have a tribe behind you!
Pre-emotive grieving was my approach, it turned out too, after the event. My therapist greeted the news of my mother’s death with ‘ding-dong, the witch is dead’. I wrote about the whole deal here (under a pen name -wasn’t feeling so sure about fessing up to this stuff at that point).
https://medium.com/@deaneastgate/how-it-feels-to-not-grieve-your-parents-9c32bc5992a7
Absolutely loved your piece! A few of my close friends (my chosen family) sent me congratulatory texts--they knew, they *got it*. I'm probably screaming into the void, but for those who need to hear it: We don't owe them anything, we didn't choose to be here.
Hi Jess, Beautifully written. Bereavement resulting from the death of a person with whom one has had a difficult relationship or varying degrees of estrangement is strange. I had those situations when each of my parents died. My bereavements were not what I expected. I am glad you are writing and sharing. Your path through bereavement will be your own, it will be like no one else's because all bereavements are different. It will take as long as it takes. Continue writing, because writing out all that comes up will help you process it out, so you can, eventually, move on, instead of getting stuck in the process somewhere. I found the hardest parts to process out were the loss of what a good parent(s) would have been that I deserved, and the emotional neglect/harm these two people visited upon me. Best to you. I will look forward to your next posting!
So real--I finally realized that I had already grieved his loss...when he just wasn't there throughout my life. I was pretty paralyzed in the aftermath and struggled to get any words on paper (here and in my journal), but when I finally did, it was beyond cathartic!
You can catch some of the good stuff on this same topic here:
https://narrativemusings.substack.com/p/kiss-my-ash
https://jesschermak.substack.com/p/discovering-tranquility-within-chaos
I so identified with this piece. My father, with whom I had a tortured relationship (me trying to be somewhat healthy and find middle ground in a family dispute while not throwing my sister under the bus, him freaking out over my lack of “loyalty, then a long estrangement), died in 2007. My first thought when I got word was “Well, that’s congruent.” My mostly absent father was finally permanently absent, except in the scars. I share your ambivalence and the unclarity of it all. I salute you for airing it all out!
Thank you! I'm both surprised and unsurprised by how many others have felt this ambivalence, and it's incredibly validating and comforting to know that it's not just me!
A hundred things can be true at once. I feel both sad and relieved for you when I read this. And I am happy and glad to know you have people in your corner… I am one of them!
I'm so glad you wrote about this. Such a great way to process! I bet you felt lighter after hitting "submit," too. 😊 Keep writing. I'll keep reading. You are loved and so much more than a "good" daughter. That is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to you!
I’m so sorry for your loss of what could have , should have , would have been. So well written.
I love you
What a complicated situation. I’m glad you wrote about this. You are loved. ❤️
Bless you, Jess!
Jesse, I hope you find the peace you deserve. I really enjoyed your writing about a difficult subject but handled beautifully.